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So the subject of my previous post and I had dinner the night I wrote that. We had a really good talk. In short my main theory was right, the sudden actual commitment scared her shortly after realizing it had happened, and she got scared. I cant fault her for that, it happens. At least she was wonderful enough to sit down with me and have a great conversation over it, I walked away from it feeling very good about things, at least, I felt up beat and not destroyed, heh.

Really I was doing quite well, untill the car trip home. 6 hours alone in the car with my thoughts was rough, the first few hours went pretty well actually, untill XM-47 decided, for the first time in my own knowledge, to play some Placebo… her favorite, and that… sucked..

Up in louisville has been hell…. the majority of what I had planned to fill the three days around the time of my sisters party was meant to show her around and have fun, naturaly all of that is no more, so I’m bored out of my mind and lonely, because I intentionally didnt tell anyone I was coming home, so they wouldnt want to hang out with me and divide up too much of my time. Now of course everyone is busy on the holiday weekend and has no time for me. The few things I do go out and do, all I can do the entire fucking time is think about if she was along, what it would be like, where we would go, what I would show her next about my hometown, etc. I spent an hour going though 12 boxes in the garage, trying to condense down all this crap I have accumulated since high school and left home, stuff from living here, in my first apt, Chicago, etc. Going though a lot of old things made me reminisce, and then wish she was around so I could show her all the fun little odds and ends of my childhood.

And now I have a new problem these last two nights I have never had to deal with before, and I dont even know how. She has managed to somehow invade the privacy of my dreams. What is weird is that in them its not some self created lie where we are all happy and things are how they were and i wake up sad, but instead, things are as they are now, but worse.. they are vague to remember, but I think the general gist of each one is shes around, things seem like they are turning for the good, and then suddenly she will knock me down a few pegs and I wake up feeling like shit, and unable to fall back to sleep for a half hour or so. This has never happened before and thrown me for a bit of a loop…  I can honestly say its taken me to the point I am afraid to sleep anymore.. these are not thoughts I want to have. Mostly because she herself would never do these kinds of things to me.. so why the hell am I thinking them..

I’m going to skip the boring and trite “omg its been forever since ive posted.. blah blah blah” shit and get to what i need to vent in the open..

 I’ve spent several months involved with someone. The exact context is debatable. are we dating.. are we not, to what extent. We never really discussed and let it sit as a moot point, we were happy with what we had, what else mattered? Then about a week and a half ago she informs me at dinner, that she is indeed now my girlfriend. What happened in her mind to make this change I do not know, but it was a monumental one for us and something important. She was very clear on the statement of this, actualy having made it while i was on the phone with my father, who overheard it and had a chuckle over it. The rest of the day was quite pleasant, and late that night she makes another monumental leap, informing me that she does indeed love me. For the next several days things between the two of us had a much different context, there was obviously more in depeth, heartfelt emotion than before.

Now I am familiar with the concept of such a huge leap as this, after so long of the prior, making someone uneasy one morning, and this is ok with me, if thats all that happened, I could understand this, and work with it. This girl in question, sits me down for a conversation two days ago, and asks to back out of a long planned weekend trip she was taking with me to my hometown this weekend… and tells me that she needs some time to think, she isnt happy with how her life is going right now, too much chaos, too much confusion, and that “we” only complicated things. She needs to sit down and look at what her future holds, and that really, shes not sure there is room for an “us” in ir. I understand this concept, on its own. But how can someone then continue on to act like “that conversation” the sunday prior never happened. And when I ask about it, she tells me i was mistaken… I must have taken some off handed comment and twisted it in my head into hearing what I wanted to hear. She swears she never would have said that, I am clearly mistaken.

This is hurtfully insulting. I can understand her kinda having a quasai panic attack. The “oh shit” moment where that casual relationship that had no expectations became a commited, locked in deal. I understand this, I have BEEN THERE. But to tell me that, I know DAMN well she remembers this conversation, there is no question in my mind about it. Its insulting, hurtfull. I can accept if she doesnt feelt hat way anymore, I can accept if she has a change of heart. But to pretend it never happened, and to tell me to my face I am imagining it… is just… insulting.

 To make things better, today she chats with me about a few things, and then proceedes, out of the blue, to inform me “I’ve changed my mind.. I will come along this weekend”. This is something my brain is totaly unprepared for.. so i hesitate for a second, and simply tell her “ok I am now confused” which is responded with “i’m so mean… im just kidding!”

My only conclusion is that she somehow, feels the need to drive a wedge between us, because we had such an easy, understanding seperation between our two highly intertwined lives, that she feels she must completely make me want to alienate her in order to put her mind at ease… thats all I can assume.